Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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