I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
