you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
