I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
