Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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