Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
