a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You can't motorboat a personality
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
