So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
