____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
