Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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