ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
