look no pants
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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