He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
