I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
