Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
