I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize