If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
