That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
