i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
