just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
