I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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