Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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