apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize