In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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