I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
