I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
