I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
