Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
