So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
