you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
