I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
