She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you traded sex for a burrito?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
