Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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