Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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