Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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