is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
