I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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