my mouth tastes like poor choices
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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