The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
BRING THE BAGELS
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
