i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Randomize
