I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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