There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
