dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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