i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
