i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
