My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
