I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
