put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
