Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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