Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
