the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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