I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
