I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
