Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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