So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
