ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
