And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
420 ftw
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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