and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
